Sorry for the delay...

Alrighty so school has started again and that means that I don't have a life.  Well I don't really have much of a social life in general but now if I wanted one, I might have some difficulties.

Anyways, this year I am teaching math for the first time.  For the past two years I have taught social studies (7th grade and 6th grade) and everyone has told me "Oh my gosh, you are such a math teacher".  I think it may be because of my over organization or my logical brain because I am not sure my patience and strength are up for this challenge.  I came in assuming (yeah, yeah I know that assuming is bad), anyway, I came in assuming that the students would know certain things - like multiplication facts, and how to add decimals, and how to use a pencil sharpener, and how to keep their snot and cooties to themselves.  Let me tell you, they don't know any of those things!!!!

I am only slightly kidding.  I did tell my kids that if they ever saw me having a heart attack or panic attack that they needed to know how to dial 221.  (That is the extension for the front office.  Haha!)  This was after we were "reviewing" multiplying with two digits and all I got were completely BLANK STARES.  But I had an epiphany the other day.  Instead of assuming the kids know how to do something and flipping out and over stressing when they don't, I will assume they know how to do nothing so that when they do understand something, or at least vaguely remember it, from the past I will be really excited.

Oh, did I also mention that I am teaching three 80-minute class periods of 6TH GRADERS?  And that one of those classes includes a high number of students that require special services? And that I am currently the only math teacher in 6th grade that actually taught at my school last year so I am the go-to person for the other 4 math teachers?  And that I am my team's leader?  And that I am the head, and only, coach of boys' soccer?  And that our first game is next Tuesday?  And that the boys' soccer team went undefeated last year - the only team in the county to ever do that? 

All of these things combined leave me running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  I never can get caught up.  The moment I think I am almost up-to-date I get another thing (or 5 things) thrown my way.  Stress and exhaustion are just barely touching the surface but are pretty good indicators of how I am feeling.

In the midst of all of this I also happen to be a part of a wonderful women's Bible study group at church.  These ladies come from every walk of life and walk with Jesus but are completely encouraging.  I am also reminded of several verses of Scripture that help me refocus my thoughts and motivations.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'  Jeremiah 29:11

As long as he sought the Lord, God gave him success.  2 Chronicles 26:56

So whatever you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.  Isaiah 43:2-3

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

These are just a few of the awesome examples of how I can believe that God has a plan for my life and no matter what I am going through now, He is always with me.

So if you begin to wonder where I am and why I am not updating you with the wonders of my life, just know that I am in the middle of a craziness that I am not sure I can really describe or understand but I am loved by an AWESOME God who will see me through it!

When is it summertime again?

God's Peace

Today I have delighted in God. Through spending time in His Word and listening to teaching of His Word I have felt some of His Peace.

I am currently working through a Beth Moore study called Breaking Free and it has exposed some areas in my life that have held me captive, areas that have kept me from knowing God and His Peace. I also listened to a sermon from Mark Driscoll Fall: God Judges that showed me how my sin and the sin of those before me has broken my relationship with God. Even though there is a brokenness, God sent His Son Jesus to bind up our wounds and heal us of our brokenness. All you have to do is truly be repentant of your sins and through God's grace, your slate is washed clean. By no means does this suppose that your life will be a cake walk - because it definitely won't - but how can you NOT find peace in the knowledge that He is watching out for you in everything?

I have a loving God that does not bring pain and turmoil into my life but uses the pain in my life to bring me to Him; to make me more like Him; to give me something greater than anything I can find here on Earth. God's love is AWESOME. Not awesome like a new book or new outfit but AWESOME like I can't fathom it. Or as dictionary.com would say an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like.

My prayer is for you to find peace in the AWESOME God!

So...it happened :(

My first bout of tears this school year. Granted it wasn't 'roll down the cheek' tears, just watery eyes but if I wasn't so prideful, I would have had a full-on tear fest.

So what made me have this SUPER AWESOME day?

Well it really did start out pretty well. I woke up from an 8 hour night sleep (something that never happens) and I got to wear jeans to work! My first few classes went really well, only small struggles due to seating rearranging adjustments. One of my students that hassled me to THE. END. of my patience the day before came to apologize and ask for a truce. I was having a slightly above average day.

That is...until my last class.

Then all of a sudden instead of 6th graders, I was transported into a class of kindergartners. Moving from one student to the next it was "sit down in your seat," "don't even think of throwing those scissors," "I don't care if he did it first," "can you stop flicking paper footballs?" REALLY?!?! This is not what I signed up for.

Once the kids were gone I got to talking with one of the other teachers and she told me about a questionable thing another teacher did that could potentially mean bad things for me. She is a new teacher and doesn't really know how some things are supposed to work and is someone that likes to tell on people - for no real reason - just so she can look good. REALLY?!?!

So now it is after 3 and I still have 5 things on my 'To Do' list before I can leave. I BS those things well enough to look like I cared and shut down my computers and walked out - not saying bye to anyone, not wishing anyone a great weekend. Nothing. I just had to get out.

On the way home is when I really let this last 2.5 hours sink in. My mind starts to go now. "I am 23 years old! I don't have to take crap from 11 yr olds. I don't have to take crap from 30 yr olds either. I don't have to teach. I know that I can find something else if I really had to. Am I even good at this job? Is this really a calling for me?" Now is when I make one of the last turns home and, having worked myself up really good now, start having watery eyes.

I come home upset and definitely not wanting to talk to anyone. I get in bed, fully clothed and lay in silence. Within this silence I remember the first 6 hours of my school day and realize that I am not horrible. I'm not the greatest teacher either. With my 1 yr and 2 month experience I am doing pretty good for myself. I also realize that in 2 weeks, we are getting an extra teacher to decrease my class sizes as well as the removal of several problem children.

At this point tears try to creep back into my eyes - grateful tears now - but I push those away as well.

Why would I question my abilities? I am human. I make mistakes. I am not good at everything, no matter how much that hurts my pride. I am fallible. I can be pressured into doing things that under other circumstances would never cross my mind. BUT I am also held in the hands of a God who loves me. A God that has set struggles in my life to help me learn. A God that really only wants good things for me. A God that will never leave me no matter how much I try to push Him away or ignore Him.

In times of struggle I seem to scream "why me? I don't deserve this." Yet when I am blessed why do I not also scream "why me? I don't deserve this?"

Oh wow!

It's been 18 days since my last post and I'm not really sure that you have missed much. Back to the same ol', same ol' - sleep, work, sleep, work. Although, you might be interested to know one of my "sleep" stories...so let's start there.

I have been having trouble getting up and going the past few weeks so sometimes I skip breakfast or just grab something (a pack of cookies) on the way out. So on Monday, before I went to bed I decided that I REALLY wanted cinnamon rolls for breakfast the next morning. In my head I knew I made the plan and there was no way I was backing down. I go to bed about 10ish, like normal. So here comes the weird "sleep" story part. I wake up and the look at the clock and see 12:00 and I get up. YEP, I see 12:00, as in midnight, and get up thinking it is 5:00am. It was like my brain was interchanging numbers to try to make this make sense. ANYWAYS...I get up and turn the oven on to start pre-heating. When I finally go to put the cinnamon rolls in the oven, I just set them in and close the door, look at the clock again and see 12:34. Double take, WHAT 12:34!!! What the heck? Why am I up? What in the world am I doing? A normal person may say "crap" and then just throw the cinnamon rolls out. NOT ME!! I REALLY wanted those cinnamon rolls so I stay up for 15 more minutes while they bake, buzzer goes off, I take them out and put them on the stove, turn oven off, and crawl back in bed. When I finally wake up at the actual 5:00am I warm them back up and put the icing on them. When I told a colleague at work this story she says "so you were like sleep-walking. Well sleep-cooking really." My roommate has told me that I can't plan to use the oven early in the morning any more just in case.

Now I have gotten up at a crazy time like 2:30, turn the shower on, recheck the clock and realize, turn the shower off and then go back to sleep. This time, not so much.

We have over 300 kids in 6th grade with only 10 teachers, sometimes our classes reach numbers of 34+ so we finally found out we would be getting relief - an extra Social Studies teacher (for 1 class period), Math teacher (for 2 class periods), and a Science teacher (for 1 class period). Yesterday (Friday) I see about 12 new schedules in my box to hand out to students on Monday to make these changes happen. So we will see what the 17th day of school looks like when these 6th graders worlds are turned upside down! More to come I am sure.

Also, did you realize what time I am posting this? Before 9am on a Saturday. That's because on Friday's I get up a 5, work all day, hang out with some work friends after school, come home and go to bed at normal time 10ish. At least my body gave me 2.5 extra hours of sleep. But seriously, I was hoping to sleep til 10 at least! Oh well...whomp whomp whomp.

Well...I made it!

As I sit here I can now reflect on my first year teaching. Let me just say that if next year is like this year, I really will feel EXTREMELY incompetent and wonder how I ever graduated college!

- About 3/4 of the year, a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that I was doing it totally wrong. (Really, did I need 6 months to tell me that? No, but that is when I stopped being stubborn and realized I had to change my ways to survive.) I went into the school year under total illusionment. Who knew that 7th graders didn't know the appropriate times to get up from their seats to sharpen pencils or throw things away? Who knew that 7th graders will ask you totally inappropriate questions about your personal life? And then, when you don't answer them, they proceed to tell you about crazy things that they do that you never ever wanted to know? Now I realize you have to tell them how to do EVERYTHING or they are confused :(

- I know the value of my teammates! Without the support and assistance from them, I don't know how this year would have looked but I do know it would have been worse! Next year we are all mixed up throughout the school so I will only have one of the people next year. The rest of them are scattered throughout and really far away. It makes me sad to know I can't just poke my head in the door next to me for some reassurance or comic relief or a friendly smile.

- Patience! I thought I had a lot of it but I realize now that it is not limitless. After about 4 kids ask me the same question, I want to rip the head off of the next one to ask. I really don't think there is anything worse than having to repeat yourself 5 and 10 times a day! One part of it is inevitable because I teach the same thing 5 times a day but usually by the 3rd or 4th class I anticipate the questions that they will ask and try to answer them within the directions instead of waiting for them to ask.

- High point!!! At the end of each semester, the computer classes are working on correspondence and the students are asked to type letters to their favorite teachers. I got 4 of those letters this year!!! When I looked at other people's piles I got a bit sad because they had more but from what I hear it is unusual for 1st year teachers to get them so then I was happy again. I think I will cherish those letters - they almost made me cry because sometimes you really don't know how the kids feel about you.

All-in-all this year was a GIANT learning experience! It was really rocky at times and I didn't know how it would all work out but I think it was a really invaluable experience. Definitely not anything that anyone can really prepare you for. Now I know better for next year! Expect more blogs throughout the summer and I promise they won't be about school (at least not all of them!).

Yep...

To say that this weekend has been relaxing is an understatement and not even exactly the feeling that I am having right now.

Friday night I came home from school and started reading a book. I finished the book at about 1:30 am and was very happy about the fact that I could do that with no worries about the next day.

Saturday I stayed in (well out on the balcony) all day reading another book - which I finished before the sun went down. That night I went to hang out with some friends and stayed up really late. It was fun but very, what's the world "chill"? Without anything exciting? Nice? I don't know - left me wanting more?

Sunday, I proceeded to lounge, lay, sit, nap in the living room all day watching "The Love Saga" on Hallmark. (Some of my all time favorite stories/movies.) I got the apartment cleaned up during commercial breaks and did some laundry. Oh...I even alphabetized my CDs. That was my day.

Today, Monday, a holiday from school, I watched movies in the morning and started a new book this afternoon. Now I am watching Friday's episode of General Hospital - but not really watching because there aren't any good story lines at the moment.

So...that sums up my long weekend. SUPER exciting, right? Although I really really needed a weekend of doing nothing - having no plans, not being responsible for anything - I think I took that a little overboard. I need some excitement in my life. I need some adventure - books and movies can only accomplish so much. As much as I love to imagine my life as it could have been in 19th century England, or the American frontier, or modern day Oregon falling in love with the doctor saving my father from a heart attack, I have to realize that this...is my life.

In this season of my life I am sitting and waiting although I confess I don't believe that I am spending my single life exactly as the Lord has called me to do. I should be spending my time with Him. He will show me where my life is supposed to lead - IF it should lead to a certain someone or something. I feel like I am allowing my life to stay sedentary, almost accepting that this is my life forever. Is that the case? I don't really know. But isn't that supposed to make it interesting? Not knowing what is going to happen?

I don't know how I got a tangent or what the answers to my questions are but I do know that in the foreseeable future I know that I have 8 school days with kids left, a beach weekend in between to celebrate the wedding of a friend from college, and lots of mistakes (maybe a few triumphs) in there as well.

Where am I going? What will I be doing when I get there? God only knows - FOR REAL!

Oh what's a girl to do?

So...for a while I have been thinking that I should have been born like 150 years before I was. Now you are probably thinking "this girl is crazy. Why would she want that?" I don't really know but I think it probably has something to do with a lot of the books I read.

I get so wrapped up in the horses and dresses and carriages and brooding cowboys and quilting and baking and courting and closeness of families and friends and the focus on the Lord and His plans and the list goes on and on. I also think that I tend to romanticize all of the elements of "heading out west to the unknown". Even though I know about the dangers and the hardships that many of the travelers faced, I still am kinda upset that I don't have a chance to experience that lifestyle.

I did get the opportunity for a glimpse at that way of life when I worked at a historic tobacco farm a few summers ago. Although most everyone else hated it, my favorite days were the days I got to dress up in my 1870s dress and got to churn butter or sing Christmas carols with the children or make corn husk dolls.

So how do I make my life today resemble a life of the past that I really like? I REALLY like indoor plumbing, and my DVR and iPod, and electricity in general.

Oh what's a girl to do?

Lord guide me!

I don't know what it is but everytime I see a tribute for the military or hear a song or pray for those in the military I feel like my heart is breaking and I want to cry. What is that Lord?

I currently live a few miles from a giant military base and come in contact with children with parents in the military everyday. I feel like I am here in this city for a purpose and maybe the Lord is convicting me to do something for those AMAZING men and women that help protect us everyday! I don't know - that is why I need the Lord to guide me.

When I see our men and women walking around in uniform at Wal-Mart or picking up their kids from school or just out and about, I feel a strong urge to tahnk them and give them a hug! Now, if you know me at all, you know that I would never approach any of these people because that would be SUPER awkward and weird. Instead of a hug, I send up a prayer to the Lord that wherever they go, they are under His guidance and protection!

What is my point in writing this? I don't really know - just that this has been on my heart for a while but I have no idea what to do with it. If anyone knows a good Bible verse that I could use to pray for this conviction (or whatever it is) please send it my way! Also, I would love to find a way to help out the men and women that protect us a few miles away or thousands of miles away so if you know of anything, PLEASE let me know!

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.