My first bout of tears this school year. Granted it wasn't 'roll down the cheek' tears, just watery eyes but if I wasn't so prideful, I would have had a full-on tear fest.
So what made me have this SUPER AWESOME day?
Well it really did start out pretty well. I woke up from an 8 hour night sleep (something that never happens) and I got to wear jeans to work! My first few classes went really well, only small struggles due to seating rearranging adjustments. One of my students that hassled me to THE. END. of my patience the day before came to apologize and ask for a truce. I was having a slightly above average day.
That is...until my last class.
Then all of a sudden instead of 6th graders, I was transported into a class of kindergartners. Moving from one student to the next it was "sit down in your seat," "don't even think of throwing those scissors," "I don't care if he did it first," "can you stop flicking paper footballs?" REALLY?!?! This is not what I signed up for.
Once the kids were gone I got to talking with one of the other teachers and she told me about a questionable thing another teacher did that could potentially mean bad things for me. She is a new teacher and doesn't really know how some things are supposed to work and is someone that likes to tell on people - for no real reason - just so she can look good. REALLY?!?!
So now it is after 3 and I still have 5 things on my 'To Do' list before I can leave. I BS those things well enough to look like I cared and shut down my computers and walked out - not saying bye to anyone, not wishing anyone a great weekend. Nothing. I just had to get out.
On the way home is when I really let this last 2.5 hours sink in. My mind starts to go now. "I am 23 years old! I don't have to take crap from 11 yr olds. I don't have to take crap from 30 yr olds either. I don't have to teach. I know that I can find something else if I really had to. Am I even good at this job? Is this really a calling for me?" Now is when I make one of the last turns home and, having worked myself up really good now, start having watery eyes.
I come home upset and definitely not wanting to talk to anyone. I get in bed, fully clothed and lay in silence. Within this silence I remember the first 6 hours of my school day and realize that I am not horrible. I'm not the greatest teacher either. With my 1 yr and 2 month experience I am doing pretty good for myself. I also realize that in 2 weeks, we are getting an extra teacher to decrease my class sizes as well as the removal of several problem children.
At this point tears try to creep back into my eyes - grateful tears now - but I push those away as well.
Why would I question my abilities? I am human. I make mistakes. I am not good at everything, no matter how much that hurts my pride. I am fallible. I can be pressured into doing things that under other circumstances would never cross my mind. BUT I am also held in the hands of a God who loves me. A God that has set struggles in my life to help me learn. A God that really only wants good things for me. A God that will never leave me no matter how much I try to push Him away or ignore Him.
In times of struggle I seem to scream "why me? I don't deserve this." Yet when I am blessed why do I not also scream "why me? I don't deserve this?"
1 comment:
amen, girl.
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